July 15, 2013

This week has been a long one! And I think its easier to just start from the beginning. Monday, after emailing, I got a really strong feeling that at interviews on Friday, President Topham was going to send me home because of my migraines. It was the exact same feeling that I got when I felt like I was going to Berwick. So Monday I went into total panic mode, started freaking out to my companion and the Elders in the car and was a basket case all day. Tuesday I decided I had better pray about it and figure out if I really needed to prepare myself for what I thought was coming. At the beginning of my personal study I prayed and asked Heavenly Father to let my studies help me figure out what the best steps for the next few weeks were going to be, staying on a mission or if President suggests I go home, being okay with that. During my studies I read my Patriarchal Blessing, my Setting Apart blessing, and the Book of Mormon and felt super conflicted because it seemed like everything I read applied to both situations. Every line I read worked both ways. At the end of my studies I was fussing to Heavenly Father how I didn't want to go home and how I didn't understand what that meant if my life applied in both situations. Then the thought came, "You can have both." During companionship study I explained what had happened to Sister Maddox who helped me figure out a little, but I was still really annoyed that I didn't have a crystal clear answer. Then the phone rang during studies, which never happens. And it was the doctor I saw last week calling about scheduling an MRI and I didn't know some of the information he needed so I called Sister Topham, who gave me permission to call home! It was such a blessing being able to talk to Mom and Dad Tuesday and explain how I felt. We decided to fast as a family on Wednesday. Wednesday as I was fasting and continuing to pray for an answer, I decided to read this months Ensign. The Ensign pretty much flipped right open to an article called "A Time For Faith not Fear." As I read that title and read the article I made a list of all the reasons why I was scared to be sent home. Not wanting to look like a failure. Not wanting to disappoint people. Not wanting to LEAVE! Not wanting to deal with Gentile problems. And as I was making this list, I realized all the reasons why I wouldn't be okay with being sent home were made out of fear, not faith. I instantly felt the Spirit reassure the quote in the Ensign "Now is a time for faith, not fear." I remade my list based on faith and couldn't find a good reason for not supporting my mission president and being obedient, if he felt like I needed to go home. At that point I knew I was going to be sent home. And it would be okay and the right decision, if I had faith to be obedient. Thursday was the longest day of my life waiting for interviews. I made Sister Maddox role play with me my interview with President so that I could have the potential of not being a blubbering baby. It was pretty funny. "Now you be President!" "President would never sit like that" "Fine Ill be President, you be me!" "How will that help anyone!?" :) When Friday morning finally came I was cool as a cucumber, until it was my turn for interviews. I knew what was coming, but it still didn't feel "real" until I heard it from President. President Topham was so sweet. He talked to me about how my migraines have been, and some of the options I had staying in the mission field. Then he told me a story about when Brigham Young was the prophet, a man came to him and told him he was sick and asked for a blessing. Brigham Young asked him if he had seen a doctor yet and the man was like "No! That's why I came to you!" and Brigham Young said pretty much, God already blessed you by giving you a doctor. Then he said "Well Sister Andresen, what are we going to do?" Which was the exact phrase I had heard him say to me in my head on Thursday when we were role playing! I explained to him the experiences I had that week and told him how I felt about fear and faith and said I needed to have more faith. At that point he was crying, and I was heave sobbing and I said "I think I'm supposed to go home" in between my sobs and he said "I think you are right Sister Andresen. You are going to be okay! Everything is going to be worked out." He explained to me how when I am released I will be honorably released, not just released. He was like "Sister Andresen, you haven't done anything wrong. You should be very proud of yourself." I, again through my heave sobs, explained that I didn't want to be released and I just wanted to see a doctor and get my migraines under control and come right back. He thought that was a good idea and told me that we would chat about that later. He explained that he cant just send people home, he has to talk to the mission department in Salt Lake but he felt "very confident they will agree" and would be in contact with me later. He just called and let me know I will be arriving in Salt Lake Wednesday evening. My interviews were over at 9:40 and at 9:44 I got a call from Sister Kirk and she was sobbing and said "He did it, didnt he! I cant handle this!!" Then I heave sobbed to Sister Kirk for a while. Then she called Sister Ferrin, who called me. Then I heave sobbed to her. Now I think I'm mostly under control. Its just been a strange few days. Sam Webb, from State College, came up Friday and Saturday to be a team-up for us and make sure I didn't lose my mind. She was a total tender mercy. She brought me cafe rio and helped me feel less panicked. President Topham called me last night and explained that the mission department has been closed all weekend but he called today and let me know my flight plans. I trust President Topham, and I know that Heavenly Father blessed me with a week to figure out my emotions before I saw President. I know that if he says its best for me to see a doctor and recoup at home, thats whats best. With that said, I don't want to be treated like a basket case when I come home Wednesday. I have seen how some missionaries are sent home and then they are picked up from the airport in the middle of the night, snuck into the basement, and never let out because they are so ashamed, and never want to talk about what happened. I am not that missionary. I love you all, but I am not excited to come home. I know that I need to get my migraines fixed, so I can work at 100%. I feel like this is the most important work I can be a part of and the most important thing I can do with my life. I have already changed so much in the past 7 months, and I can feel the changes that have happened since I left. I am not who I used to be. When I come home, I hope that people don't recognize me. I am not that Katie that left from Salt Lake, I am Sister Andresen. And I am excited to get a tune up and come back as Sister Andresen 2.0. So, if you'd like to schedule visiting time with me while I'm home, i've deemed my mother my companion and scheduler. So you'll have to fight with her to see me :) I'm not getting a cellphone, or a job, or a car, or a life. Because I just want to come back here. President Topham just told me that he wishes me well and hopes I can come back as soon as possible. So thats the plan. I'll see the inside of the doctors office, the inside of the temple and the inside of my parents room, then the inside of the airport and be back to the PPM! I love you all, and hope my email makes sense. A lot of stuff happened for an hour to write it all. See you later, gaters.

Sister Andresen